Unwritten: 20

I got a rude awakening yesterday.
I've been talking to the ex since we broke up. At times we talk more then others; generally depending on what's going on in our lives. He recently just finished a month of reserves so we actually talked quite a bit.
So I was at a Sudbury Wolves game yesterday night, drinking a little bit and figured what the heck I'll call him now, it's not so late [I must stress, that I was nowhere near drunk or tipsy, just a little happy from a beer and a half, so this isn't drunk calling at it's best]. Anyway, we were chatting and then he told me that he had been on a blind date that same night, with a girl he had been chatting with on the base while he was doing his reserve duty. Even now my stomach sinks. I mean really, what the hell did I expect, that he was waiting around for me? That magically we would get back together even though we live so far apart and neither of us is moving any time soon? I didn't think so, but clearly something did not sit right with me last night, or today as I think about it. Obviously it's time for me to let go of anything hopes, dreams or aspirations I might have held and move on with my life.
I've often wondered if the reason I'm still painfully single is b/c of feelings for the ex- - maybe- he seems to think so. It just seems to easy- like something to hide behind. And now when I move on and deal with these feelings, and continously tell myself you stupid girl, move on b/c clearly he has will it be easier to meet other guys, will they be interested in me, will I be interested in them? Or is it something different, and now that I will not be able to hide behind that lame excuse of still having feelings for him will I realize that there is something wrong with me?
Oh Lord- who would have known that something like this would affect me so deeply. Shit.
The worse thing of it all, in my brilliance I decided that the salve I would use to mend my wounds would be beer. Alcohol mixed with inadequacies makes you do stupid things.