Bitch Fest

I always do this to myself. The need for closure. Once on TV I heard someone say there is really no such thing as closure. I sort of believe it, b/c no matter what I do I always seem to want to make things worse. It's never enough for me. It's not enough for me to be treated like crap by friends. I mean in all honesty, as of late it's not that friends treat me like crap, no I seem to have rid my life of those friends of those friends who were more damaging then anything else (K, A, H, S, R- yeah it spells KRASH I know, significance not lost on me.) But even with them, I had this sick need to get as hurt as possible, like that was the only way it would get through my mind that these people really, well, hated me. And now it's a friend I've known since high school (by process of elimination you'll probably figure out quickly who it is but I'm not going to write his name).

We've been through a lot. A lot. Good and bad. I know I hurt him really bad, unitentionally b/c I could not give him what he needed from me. But after all that HE wanted to remain friends. I gave him the out on more then one occasion if he couldn't handle friendship. But he wanted to remain friends. And so things changed b/w us, but it was ok they had to change, and we could still be friends. But with each gf he has I get thrown to the gutter. And you have to understand, I get that when a couple first starts they forget they have friends, been there done it, but I've always tried to maintain some sort of contact with my friends, even if I'm pretty crappy at it. But there comes a point when you've settled that you remember, oh yeah I have these friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin maybe I'll give them a call. Especially if they are going away to another country, on the other side of the world for TWO months. Maybe he didn't want to spend the money calling me. Though a phone card at 7-11 costs 5$ (he spends more then that on facial creams). But ok maybe he doesn't want to call. It's not like we are living in the times of pigeon carriers, sms, facebook, email, msn, there's more then one way to reach me. Everytime he has a gf he forgets his friends (read: his old friends, b/c he's certainly hanging out with ppl), and when they break up he's there crying to me. I won't call him up and tell him I'm pissed, I've done that so many times. We've been through this so many damn times now. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me 5 times and I'm a complete idiot if I don't bail already. And so here on my lovely blog I give up. I'm throwing the towel in and I'm hoping that this will be enough. That I won't need to hear how he thinks I'm actually not so bright or the many other lovely things he has said about me that have gotten back to me. And the strange thing is I thought I would have more feelings about this but I don't. Perhaps this is the closure I need.